Say what you will about a lifetime of rejection and hiding and low self-esteem: it teaches us the immense value, the preciousness, of acceptance and connection. When you have less of those things than others, you learn to treasure those things, even if how to retain and nurture them is not always clear.
Out of adversity have many great stories emerged, and ours need not be any exception. Having lived very challenging lives, we’ve been changed in ways that have made us much stronger in areas we hardly think of. Our personalities have taken on features that we make take for granted, as necessities for just getting by in life. But those features, brought out into the light, can be tremendous assets when offered as gifts to someone we care for, rather than mere survival tools.
Think of these traits as spiritual rewards, earned through our perseverance.
The list is long!
I am compassionate!
Our ADD adult tendency to absorb the emotions of others is born in our childhood, when we are studying the other children around us and the adults above us in a desperate bid to learn how to be accepted. We become unconscious experts in the emotions of others – and our own longing for connection often makes it inevitable that we would then soak those emotions up.
In describing this to one of my friends, I used the term “emotional sponge”. She scolded me immediately, insisting that I reframe the idea. “You’re not a ‘sponge’!” she said (I think she was a little exasperated with me). “That’s what we call ‘empathy!’” She was right, of course.
The ADD adult is a natural empath, as a result of decades of intense attention paid to the feelings of others and our internal sensitivity to our own yearnings.
Caring deeply about others, causes, ideas – this is a tremendous asset in a relationship. It makes us safe, earnest, engaged, exuding a deeply human warmth. It means we can be counted on to listen, to be caring, to strive to understand.
All of that makes us very attractive as a potential partner or friend.
I am generous!
A child does not have to be ADHD in order to be generous. As early as 18 months, and even earlier, children demonstrate a natural inclination to share. This deteriorates somewhat when many children are put in the same space and territories spontaneously form, but the impulse to give is inborn.
Adults, of course, encourage the sharing impulse in children, and it usually isn’t until adolescence that self-regulation of the impulse truly kicks in.
With an ADHD child, it sometimes never does.
Generosity, the child learns, is a path to approval and acceptance. This isn’t to say that the ADHD child is concluding that love and acceptance can be bought; it is the extension of a desire that’s already there, in the child’s quest for connection. It is established early on that the giving of gifts carries emotions beyond the satisfying impulse that underlies sharing; it is the communication of how the child feels about others.
As the child becomes an adult, those feelings continue to feed into their thinking about others and their attempts at connection. Generosity is only one of several languages we use to express ourselves and connect, but for the ADD adult, it’s a go-to. And generosity is a cornerstone of strong friendship and loving partnership.
I’m creative!
Almost by definition, an ADD adult is attracted to novelty. Our funky dopamine receptivity causes us to scoop stimulation out of the world with both hands, wherever we can. That attraction to novelty often manifests as creativity.
Indeed, it is difficult to list all the artists, writers, musicians, entertainers and other novelty-driven people who are likewise ADD adults. It’s so common, it’s a cultural cliché.
Creativity surfaces in many ways. Often, it’s the artistic impulse; but it can just as easily emerge in a knack for cooking tasty and interesting meals, or doing a lively makeover of the family room. It can pop up in vacation planning and holiday events and the selection of birthday presents. There’s no limit to the ways creativity can make itself know.
And all of them are a plus to a relationship.
I’m funny!
ADD adults are funny. Hilarious! You wouldn’t guess that, but it’s very often true.
On the face of it, it’s hard to pin down why that would be – but a moment’s thought reveals the answer: humor flourishes in adversity. It helps us cope, it keeps our outlook bright. It’s not always there for us, it’s sometimes elusive, but very often we are able to laugh at ourselves and the tough situations we’ve survived.
A pacesetter here is humorist Alison Larkin, who was adopted by a British family at birth. She later learned who her American birth parents were, tracked them down, and learned from them about the ADD in her genes.
It made total sense to her. The comedienne is also a novelist and public speaker, and has said that performing stand-up comedy for huge crowds is far easier than cleaning her kitchen or writing a letter.
Psychology Today affirms the positive impact of humor on relationships, citing a cross-culture study of 3,000 couples in five countries that demonstrated greater marital happiness among husbands and wives who had a humorous partner.
This is good news all around! It’s is certainly, in many cases, a serendipitous benefit of ADD that can help smooth the way to eventual relationship success.
I’m spontaneous!
It's easy to frame this one as a polite substitute word for ‘impulsive’, but there’s more to it, I think. Impulsivity involves little or no contemplation, which spontaneity is a positive emotional response to an impulse – and doing fun, unexpected things with a friend or partner outside of your normal routine can be thrilling, as well as healthy for the relationship.
“Spontaneity involves unpredictability and it heightens intensity and excitement in a relationship. Spontaneity is the opposite of routine,” psychologist Kim Chronister told Bustle. “Intend to implement and maintain positive experiences of unpredictability by going above and beyond and getting out of your comfort zone by doing something or travelling somewhere, or buying tickets. A new activity is preferred because novelty spikes romantic feelings and overall attraction when it is experienced between partners.”
Psychiatrist Tom Stevens added that spontaneity can keep both partners anchored in the relationship. “When one partner feels they know everything about the other partner, it can cause them to become disinterested,” he said. “This is where spontaneity can be very helpful. Curiosity can be provoked by unpredictable circumstances, which are more likely to emerge with risk-taking.”
ADD adults are impulsive, to be sure; but alongside that impulsivity exists a strong affinity for spontaneity that can be a joyous asset, helping pave the way to long-term relationship success.
I’m persistent!
Modern relationships are tough. We’ve created a culture that may be sensual and entertaining, but it isn’t truly friendly to real intimacy and depth. It’s hard work, making a relationship a safe and nurturing and satisfying place to live.
Our culture is equally unfriendly, if not more, to ADD individuals. The pressure to conform, the shame that gets heaped on those who don’t meet expectations, the rejection of those who tire of us – all of this turns even a very ordinary life into very hard work.
And yet we’ve managed, haven’t we? We’re persistent. We hang in there. We tough it out.
That’s what it takes to have a long and happy friendship or relationship these days. It’s what it takes to live happily and productively with ADD. Persistence serves both very well.
I am resilient!
Beyond persistence – hanging in there – there's picking ourselves up off the mat when the world has knocked us down. It’s happened all our lives, and we’ve learned to get back on our feet.
We’re resilient. Our ADD lives have, necessarily, forced us to be. We struggle, we fall, we bounce back.
That’s not something most of us ever even consider. But it’s true.
And that’s a wonderful quality to bring to a new friendship or relationship. Even the most successful couples experience times when their feet are yanked out from under them in the relationship. Responding well in those times is as important as perseverance. And the ADD adult is a veteran.
I am loyal!
This, too, we have spent a lifetime longing for from others. We want their loyalty, because we know we will unwittingly test them, probably repeatedly. We need their loyalty, to keep our connection strong when we are not at our best.
Consequently, we have always been ready to offer that loyalty in return. We have practiced it in our thoughts and displayed it when connections took hold. We’ve been that person we want to have in our lives. We’re willing to stand alongside them, come what may, because we treasure them above and beyond.
We’ve got this one.
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